Sunday, August 4, 2013

Driver's Ed




I have had the good fortune to have lived in many cities.  I confess feeling less enchanted at encountering the myriad gridlocks in these diverse municipalities.  I do not feel enriched at spending so many hours on I-95 in Miami, slowly nudging my way towards the magical Golden Glades interchange, where the roads suddenly opened.  The worst, however, was driving to Logan Airport from the South Shore in the early 90's, while the Big Dig was in its full ditch era.  The highway went from 14 lanes to two in less than a mile.  Not a soul would give an inch to any motorist attempting to merge.  I do believe my younger daughter, who was strapped in the back seat at the time, learned certain words at a far earlier age than had been designed.

When I was a youngster, a neighbor used to drive us to school each morning.  This was perhaps the most educational time of my day, as I learned all sorts of terms to describe the behavior of other drivers.   I probably became a better operator of a vehicle myself, if for no other reason than to defend myself against these behaviors.  For example: I learned that any pickup truck sitting at an intersection ahead would slowly pull into my lane of traffic, whether that movement was safe or not.  I have followed this wise chestnut throughout my years of driving, rarely finding it wrong.

Just as there are regional linguistic quirks, there are regional driving characteristics.  I don't know that they are so pronounced as how various folks describe soft drinks (pop, soda or Coke?), but they do exist.  In Florida one encounters unmistakable third-world driving habits in Miami, the senior driver during the too-crowded season in South Florida and the lost tourists at any time of year in Orlando.  All of which make the Sunshine State not the safest place for driving.

Let's look at a couple of others in my adopted state:

Question 1: When at an intersection with stoplights, if the driver is intending to turn left, after the light turns green the driver should:

(a) Sit behind the thick white line and wait for traffic to clear.  Should the light turn red, wait for the next one.
(b) Slowly enter the intersection and wait for traffic to clear prior to making the left turn.
(c) Throw that cigarette butt out the window.

The operator's manual in every state in which I have been licensed (10 in all) allows movement into the intersection.  If you answered (b), you get to drive, unbothered by the likes of me.  In Georgia, I have noted that most opt for (a), often with a bit of (c) for good measure.  They DO sit there.  While in the car behind the unenlightened, I have attempted waving my arms, honking or making non-obscene gestures in an attempt to get them to move on.  All to no avail; I have resigned to yelling inside my closed car.  Conclusion: local drivers perhaps have not read that particular page in the manual or they missed the question on the test.

Question 2: When approaching an intersection with flashing yellow lights, the driver should:

(a) Stop.  Sit there.  Wait for car behind to honk.
(b) Treat as a yield sign and proceed with caution.
(c) Stop, bark like a dog and throw that cigarette butt out the window.

We're not splitting atoms here, folks, merely operating a motor vehicle.  Again, (b) is the correct answer.  I have seen a combination of (a) and, for those vehicles sporting regalia from the predominant state college, (c).  I guess folks missed that question on their tests, too.

Question 3: What does the sign pictured at the top of this page indicate:

(a) Don't even think about making a U-turn here, buddy.
(b) Oncoming traffic cannot make a U-turn.
(c) Which might work even better if we had a sign that they could see so indicating that proscription.
(d) Stop, bark like a dog, throw that cigarette butt out the window and show us your jorts.

This is a trick question, as the answers are (b) and (c).  I was intrigued by this sign as I had not seen it in all my years of driving.

Bonus question: What is the Michigan Left-Turn?

When I moved to Michigan, I assumed that, as the hub of the automobile industry, I would find traffic designs and patterns that were truly state-of-the-art.  Instead, I found this arcane notion that is so ingenious that not a single other state (to my knowledge) has adopted it.  Even the locals are bemused by it.

The other thing I have noticed in driving all around this country is the variety of bumper stickers.  I discovered this one in a parking garage at DFW:


As a rule, I tend not to characterize those with whom I disagree as stupid or wrong.  Misguided, ill-informed, well-intentioned, perhaps.  But stupid?  To be fair, I should show the image that drew me to examine this sticker.


Since this character obviously did poorly on their driver's exam, perhaps we should use that as a qualification for voting in Texas.  Aren't they in the process of re-writing those rules?

And I did not even touch the topic of parking lots.  Misconnected, unconnected, illogical... I could write a book.  In the meantime, please drive carefully and with common sense, folks; while you're at it, you may want to re-read that operator's manual.  The next car honking at you by an intersection may be me.



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